Talking with Ed Williams

“Peeing After You‘ve Held It Awhile Can Be Better Than Sex!”

Tell me where I’m wrong here!

See? Admit it. If y’all are like me, if you’ve ever had one of those times where you had to sit still in a business meeting AFTER you’d just drank three cups of coffee or a big can of Diet Mountain Dew or whatever, and you couldn’t get up because the meeting was at its most critical point and you knew if you got up and left that it’d look like you were less than company focused or whatever, and finally after doin’ the two-legged toe tap to the point that your knees ached almost as much as your bladder and you thought you were going to explode internally……then, finally, the meeting ended and you got your chance, so you bolted from your chair straight into the bathroom faster than the Flash and almost cut your fingers from snatching your zipper quickly, and then, finally, you heard fluid hit porcelain….

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh, relief! The best!

Now, think about how good that felt. Think about how badly you needed to do that. Think about how you could feel the sweet tingle of relief all the way from the top of your head to the tips of your toes. Now, collectively told, what do all those feelings remind you of?

Admit it! Taking a good pee, especially after you’ve held it in longer than it took the Titanic to be built, is a mighty good feeling. A mighty refreshing feeling! A mighty sweet feeling of both pleasure and release that might be akin to one other always interesting feeling. Now, in unison, let’s all guess what that feeling is….could it be…..
Sex?

If y’all guessed that, you’re right, can y’all believe that’s exactly what I was thinking as well? Peeing is a lot like sex, especially after we’ve held it in for awhile. And peeing can be even better that sex as we don’t have to worry about STDs or gettin’ pregnant whilst peeing. Ain’t that pause for reflection? And I’ll even admit this just to advance our article along, in my youth sometimes I would deliberately hold in a nice, mountainous pizz for awhile because I knew how good it would be when I finally released it! And don’t think it’s a coincidence that both peeing and sex occur utilizing the exact same body parts! I think, when all is said and done, that that’s what I like about my “Fred” the most - he performs two very important functions for me, and both those functions are useful and fun.

Now, in conclusion, y’all might be wondering why I’d write an article about peeing after you’ve held it in awhile bein’ better than sex. Well, I did so because I can! It’s the writer’s choice to be creative, right? It’s the writer’s choice to pick whatever hits him at the moment, right? Hey, here on Gather I continually see people writing about politics, their pets, foods they like, pet peeves, religious stuff, complaints, hell people even write about whether or not they like Gather to begin with. So, if all that kinda stuff can be written about, if all that kinda stuff is allowed, then a good old article about the joys of taking a well needed pizz ought to fit in nicely, shouldn’t it? In fact, go ahead and be honest with yourselves. Some of you have laughed at this, haven’t you? A few of the more honest amongst you out there even nodded your heads a time or two, didn’t you? And one or two of you, and yes, you know who you are, said something like “damn straight” and jumped right up out of your chairs and punched the air in triumph, now didn’t you? I figured as much.

Holding in a good pee and releasing it is important. It’s fun. It’s good, sometimes very good. And we should now all hold hands, sing Kumbaya together, and talk about it some more below….

"ChristmaSin'", my new Christmas novel, is now available for sale! Click this link below to order!

 www.christmasinthebook.com

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Talking with Ed Williams

“Satan = Atlanta Traffic”

For most of us Georgians, at least for most of us rural Georgians, there’s one common hell on earth we can all relate to. I’ve heard it talked about all my life, and have actually experienced it many, many times over the course of my adult years. It can make me cuss, cry, question my religion, and cause my blood pressure to get up to dangerously high levels. Ya’ll want to know what I’m talking about? Want to know one of the most vile tortures imaginable for any rural Georgian? Want to know what scares me worse than an envelope with an IRS return address printed on it? It’s the incredibly heinous act of having to drive one’s car in Atlanta traffic.

If I were a betting man, and I am, I’d wager that there are a lot of ya’ll out there nodding your heads up and down in response to that. Driving in Atlanta is one of the purest hells imaginable, and an experience that I could do without for the rest of my life. Unfortunately, if you live in Georgia, you’ll have to drive up to Atlanta sometimes. And not one time will you ever like it. Ever.

Far be it from me, though, to just sit here and moan and groan about something. It’s my duty as a responsible journalist (try and keep a straight face) to offer suggestions on proactively dealing with Atlanta traffic in order to make it as pleasant an experience as possible. Try these three: 

1. Prepare yourself for the experience by watching some video footage of the latest roller coasters over at Six Flags. Watch their curves, loops, and how fast the cars roar through them. Once you watch a few minutes of that, you’ll be better acclimated for your upcoming drive to Atlanta. Especially if you happen to go through a part of the interstate system up there known as “Spaghetti Junction.” Spaghetti Junction is where about ten different interstate highways link together just north of Atlanta, and driving in it is akin to making your way through a field of land mines. I’ve never seen more cars in any one area in my life, and, the worst part is, half of ‘em don‘t know where they‘re going. If you get Six Flags planted firmly in your mind and mesh it together with some scenes from a demolition derby, you can actually have a good time. And, look at it this way - it costs forty or fifty bucks a pop to get into Six Flags, and, if luck is with you, it’ll only cost you a few gallons of gas to experience Spaghetti Junction.

2. Whatever you do, carry an empty milk jug with you. This is especially important if you drink about four cups of coffee before beginning your journey to Atlanta. You’ll find out why you need it when you hit one of those “pond water” traffic jams - that’s one of those traffic tie-ups that’s so bad that you’ll need to stand a stick up next to your car to see if it’s moving. If you get stuck in one of those, you can have a major problem if you don’t have a milk jug with you. Personally, the thought of whizzing “au natural” in the midst of about two hundred cars is more than enough to get me to take the milk jug. ’Nuff said.

3. Watch an episode of the Jerry Springer Show right before leaving. This will prepare you for any interactions you may have with other motorists if your vehicle happens to experience mechanical problems along the way. In fact, if you do have mechanical problems and someone starts hollering at you, imagine you’re the husband on the Springer episode I recently saw who found out his wife was fooling around with an unemployed midget. If you just pretend you’re that guy, you should be able to fire back language at your tormentor(s) that would scare off a group of Navy Seals. And doing that will lower your blood pressure, which is always a good thing.

Armed with these tips, you should be able to tolerate driving around Atlanta, this requisite hell for most of us Georgians. And that’s gonna be about the best we can do with this situation, unless the legislature gets together and does what should have been done years ago, and that’s move the state capital over to the Macon Centreplex. Since hardly anyone ever goes there, the traffic would be much more manageable, and we could put an end to this awful problem once and for all.

 

"ChristmaSin'", my new Christmas novel, is now available for sale! Click this link below to order!

 www.christmasinthebook.com

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Talking with Ed Williams

“Bugs Vs. Mickey”

I love cartoons.
From what I can see, a whole lot of other people do too. When I was growing up in Juliette, we could usually pick up three television stations - WMAZ out of Macon, WSB out of Atlanta, and WAGA out of Atlanta. If the weather was cloudy or rainy, we might get lucky and pick up Georgia Public Television as well. That was pretty much it - we watched three stations most of the time, four part of the time.
Whatever channels we watched, cartoons made up a large part of the programming. I believe I’ve watched ‘em all - Popeye cartoons on Officer Don and the Popeye Club, Bullwinkle the Moose, Yogi Bear, Precious Pup, and Quick Draw McGraw. Out of them all, though, the cartoons I watched the most were produced by either Warner Brothers or Walt Disney. The quality of their cartoons made them clearly stand out among all the rest.
And that’s what intrigues me today - Walt Disney vs. Warner Brothers. If it came down to it, which cartoons are the best of all? There’s only one fair way to decide - line up the top three cartoon characters for Warner Brothers vs. the top three for Walt Disney, and let the chips fall where they may. And, without further ado, let’s take a look at these match-ups:

Bugs Bunny vs. Mickey Mouse

Believe it or not, this one’s not very close. Bugs Bunny is fifty times funnier than Mickey Mouse. Even on his worst day. His catch phrases like “What’s up, doc?” or “I shoulda taken that left turn at Albuquerque” or “Ahhhhhh! Pismo Beach at last!” are all-time classics. On top of that, he had such a great cast of supporting characters - Elmer Fudd, Yosemite Sam, Marvin Martian, Porky Pig, the Tasmanian Devil, and Daffy Duck, just to name a few. I’ve spent countless hours enjoying their escapades. Now, pit them up against Mickey Mouse. To be honest, Mickey always got on my nerves. His “Hiiiiiiiiiii, I’m Mickey Mouse,” was grating, and he was never still, always jumping and bouncing around all over the place. Plus, those britches he wore were a tad sweet. So, to sum it up, Bugs came across like the kind of guy you’d like to have a beer with, Mickey made you wonder if he was a guy.

Daffy Duck vs. Donald Duck

Another slam dunk for Warner Brothers. Daffy was incredibly funny - I remember one cartoon where he kept being placed in weird situations, and right before it ended they backed the whole scene up and revealed that Bugs had been drawing the cartoon the entire time. It was hysterical. Daffy also played Robin Hood one time opposite Porky Pig’s Little John, and it was yet another classic. Donald Duck, on the other hand, was the hardest cartoon character to understand that I’ve ever watched. I never knew what he was saying, and he seemed to be mad all the time, but not in a cute sort of way. With Donald, you just wanted to pop him and say, “Shut up!”

Foghorn Leghorn vs. ???

A total shutout for Warner Brothers. Foghorn Leghorn, in my opinion, was the funniest cartoon character of them all. Some of his lines are classics, witness these about the Widow Hen,
“Nice girl, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.” “That woman’s as cold as a nudist on an iceberg.” “Gal reminds me of the highway between Fort Worth and Dallas - no curves.” See what I mean? I could’ve written down fifty more that were just as funny. On the other hand, I don’t know if Walt Disney even had a strong number three character. Pluto? Goofy? Minnie Mouse? Any of them come up way short when you pit them against Foghorn Leghorn.
And there you have it. A totally objective analysis that settles who made the best short subject cartoons of all time - it’s Warner Brothers, and by a mile. But, don’t get me wrong, this is certainly no slam on Disney. Disney, in my opinion, made the best feature length cartoon movies ever made - many of them are classics, and deservedly so. So they get their moment here in the sun, too. And now, for the ending to our article, I’m offering the following quote from Mr. Leghorn,
“This is gonna cause more confusion than a mouse at a burlesque show.” He’s probably right, you know...

"ChristmaSin'", my new Christmas novel, is now available for sale! Click this link below to order!

 www.christmasinthebook.com

 

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Author Ed Williams talks The Haint Classification System

The Haint Classification System

I know this is less than delicate, but have y’all ever come across someone who’s just so ugly that you think to yourself, “Damn, that man/woman is just down to the bone ugly!” I guess whether we will all admit it out loud that we all have at one point or the other, and we should also admit that we typically grade in our minds just how ugly the person actually is. Once we have categorized them as to degree of appearance impairment, then we can go on about our business, another section of life neatly organized and resolved in our minds.
That’s all well and good, but it does point out an important societal need – the need to have an easily understandable system to grade out truly ugly folks so that a mildly ugly type like Mick Jagger doesn’t get lumped together with someone like say, the Elephant Man. Everything is a matter of degree, and this holds true even in matters regarding those less than pleasing to the eyeballs.

Y’all will be pleased to know that such a system has actually been successfully employed for years, and that it was invented way back in the 1930s. Y’all might also be surprised to learn that its creator was my granddad, Ed Sr. He created, in his infinite wisdom and compassion, what is now known as “The Haint Classification System.”
As he explained it to me years ago, “haint” is a contraction for, “He/she is ugly as hell and it ain’t ever gonna get any better!” Then he went on to explain that there are three levels or classifications of haints. So now, for the betterment of society and humankind in general, here’s are the classifications and the corresponding definitions of “The Haint Classification System”:
“1 Bag Haint” (slang equivalent – A “One Bagger”):

A “1 Bag Haint” is someone that really shouldn’t get out in public much during daylight hours. Examples of well known “1 Bag Haints” include people like Kelly Osbourne, Lyle Lovett, or Clint Howard. They might not drive you to drink, but at the very least you’d be scoping out the location of the closest available liquor store if you even had to spend a lot of time around one of them.
“2 Bag Haint” (slang equivalent – A “Two Bagger”):

A “2 Bag Haint” is someone who’s so ugly that they can fill occupations like “human scarecrow,” “horror movie stunt double,” or “cadaver look-alike.” Examples of well known “2 Bag Haints” would include folks like Rosie O’Donnell, Flavor Flav, and Prince Charles. Even if you were broke and single and they possessed lots of money it’d be easier to learn to love baloney or potted meat as opposed to having to spend the right of your life looking at them first thing in the morning.
“3 Bag Haint” (slang equivalent – “You poor, ugly bastard”):

A “3 Bag Haint” is someone who’s like the Elvis of Ugly. In popular culture a “3 Bag Haint” would be someone like Jason Voorhees, the Frankenstein Monster, or Freddy Krueger. Don’t kid yourselves, though, there are real life “3 Bag Haints” out there, examples abound and include folks like Eleanor Roosevelt, Amy Carter, and Don Imus. These people might as well throw on some flip flops and Hawaiian flowery shirts and just not worry about it. They do have some things going for them – what hairstyles they wear don’t matter, they’ll never have to consider a career in Hollywood as an option, and if someone dates them they don’t have to worry about someone else stealing them away. Other than that, though, there’s not much upside for them, and that’s me being kind about it.

So there y’all have it – “The Haint Classification” system laid out and explained. And don’t get on me about it or say I’m crazy because my money says that just about all of y’all out there who are read this were categorizing ugly people y’all know as one, two, or three baggers as you were reading along. Let’s face it, we all evaluate ugly folks just like we do air biscuits when we happen to sniff out one, there’s no reason to act like we don’t.
Now, y’all all go off and have a great Fourth of July weekend, and may the only haints y’all run into be those that you find on your TV screens……

"ChristmaSin'", my new Christmas novel, is now available for sale! Click this link below to order!

www.christmasinthebook.com

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www.ed-williams.com
www.twitter.com/ELW3

Talking with author Ed Williams

“The How To Look At A Woman Primer”

I want to talk today about our national pastime. No, we’re not gonna talk about baseball, cause that’s not our real national pastime. It’s certainly not the national pastime for women, and it’s not even the national pastime for men, if we‘re honest about it. If all of us men would come clean, the national pastime for us is, has been, and always will be looking at women. More specifically, looking at very attractive women.

We may as well just own up to it - we men would rather look at a nice looking woman than just about anything else. We’re biologically programmed that way. From the time the first hormones of puberty hit, we enjoy looking. And we continue enjoying it on up until we die. We can be young, old, married, single, divorced, employed, unemployed, white, black, red, yellow, tall, short, educated, or uneducated, and our one commonality is that we love looking at women. If any of you ladies out there doubt me on this, simply try the following - walk over to the man in your life, look indignantly at him, and sternly ask, “Fred, do you really like looking at that trashy looking Pamela Anderson in her skimpy bathing suits?” Then, just sit back and watch his reaction - you’ll see and hear more stammering than you would if you asked him to go out and buy certain feminine related products for you. Let’s face it, of course he wants to look at her, she’s a beautiful, trashy looking blonde, and if he didn’t want to look at her he’d be wanting to watch some Richard Simmons‘ exercise videos, and I don‘t need to say anymore about that.
So, now that we’re honest about men loving to look at hot women, we now need to discuss just how we actually do it. It’s not as easy as you’d think - first, you can’t just out and out gawk at a beautiful woman. If you’re with your wife, mother, or girlfriend when you do so, it can be pretty embarrassing. Maybe even potentially dangerous. Therefore, with that in mind, most of us men learn to look at women in ways that won’t get us into very much trouble. The following are our most widely utilized techniques:

1. The very simplest way to look at a nice looking woman without getting caught is to just look away from her, and then cut your eyes over to where she happens to be - it’s quite simple and effective. The only problems with it are that you can get some real powerful headaches if you cut your eyes over to the side for very lengthy periods of time, and, if you’re out walking when you’re cutting your eyes over, you can slip up and walk headfirst into something if you‘re not careful. I had a friend one time who actually walked right into soft drink vending machine while raptly gazing upon some feminine beauty. Talk about a cold, hard dose of reality!

2. Another way to look at a woman and not get caught is to create a diversion. It goes something like this - let’s say you and your partner are walking along in a Wal-Mart one day, and you happen to spot a real babe. Quickly, you look over towards the front of the store and say to your partner, “Wow, did you see that old woman just shove the door greeter?” Your partner will instantly walk over to check it out, and this is the time you use to scope out some newly minted gold for your eyeballs. Normally, this works out pretty well, but there’s hell to pay if your partner comes back a little too quickly and sees you checking out a hot woman. It’s easier trying to explain a loud burp at a funeral than that.

3. One novel technique is to walk up to a pretty woman and say, “Excuse me, I’m a Human Resources executive and I’ve been interviewing candidates for a self-defense instructor at our institute all afternoon. My eyes are just killing me. Would you mind if I just gaze upon your beauty for a few seconds?” Okay, honestly I’ve never heard of anyone trying this, but I just wish that one of you guys out there would take the initiative, try it, and let me know if it works out for you. I’d be most appreciative.

Well, I feel good that we’ve established what the American males’ true national pastime is. I’d love to write even more about it, but I’m already hard at work on my next expose article, where we’ll discuss why women think men are perfect before marriage, and bums afterwards...

"ChristmaSin'", my new Christmas novel, is now available for sale! Click this link below to order!

www.christmasinthebook.com

www.elwiii.gather.com
www.ed-williams.com
www.twitter.com/ELW3