The Haint Classification System
That’s all well and good, but it does point out an important societal need – the need to have an easily understandable system to grade out truly ugly folks so that a mildly ugly type like Mick Jagger doesn’t get lumped together with someone like say, the Elephant Man. Everything is a matter of degree, and this holds true even in matters regarding those less than pleasing to the eyeballs.
Y’all will be pleased to know that such a system has actually been successfully employed for years, and that it was invented way back in the 1930s. Y’all might also be surprised to learn that its creator was my granddad, Ed Sr. He created, in his infinite wisdom and compassion, what is now known as “The Haint Classification System.”
As he explained it to me years ago, “haint” is a contraction for, “He/she is ugly as hell and it ain’t ever gonna get any better!” Then he went on to explain that there are three levels or classifications of haints. So now, for the betterment of society and humankind in general, here’s are the classifications and the corresponding definitions of “The Haint Classification System”:
“1 Bag Haint” (slang equivalent – A “One Bagger”):
A “1 Bag Haint” is someone that really shouldn’t get out in public much during daylight hours. Examples of well known “1 Bag Haints” include people like Kelly Osbourne, Lyle Lovett, or Clint Howard. They might not drive you to drink, but at the very least you’d be scoping out the location of the closest available liquor store if you even had to spend a lot of time around one of them.
“2 Bag Haint” (slang equivalent – A “Two Bagger”):
A “2 Bag Haint” is someone who’s so ugly that they can fill occupations like “human scarecrow,” “horror movie stunt double,” or “cadaver look-alike.” Examples of well known “2 Bag Haints” would include folks like Rosie O’Donnell, Flavor Flav, and Prince Charles. Even if you were broke and single and they possessed lots of money it’d be easier to learn to love baloney or potted meat as opposed to having to spend the right of your life looking at them first thing in the morning.
“3 Bag Haint” (slang equivalent – “You poor, ugly bastard”):
A “3 Bag Haint” is someone who’s like the Elvis of Ugly. In popular culture a “3 Bag Haint” would be someone like Jason Voorhees, the Frankenstein Monster, or Freddy Krueger. Don’t kid yourselves, though, there are real life “3 Bag Haints” out there, examples abound and include folks like Eleanor Roosevelt, Amy Carter, and Don Imus. These people might as well throw on some flip flops and Hawaiian flowery shirts and just not worry about it. They do have some things going for them – what hairstyles they wear don’t matter, they’ll never have to consider a career in Hollywood as an option, and if someone dates them they don’t have to worry about someone else stealing them away. Other than that, though, there’s not much upside for them, and that’s me being kind about it.
So there y’all have it – “The Haint Classification” system laid out and explained. And don’t get on me about it or say I’m crazy because my money says that just about all of y’all out there who are read this were categorizing ugly people y’all know as one, two, or three baggers as you were reading along. Let’s face it, we all evaluate ugly folks just like we do air biscuits when we happen to sniff out one, there’s no reason to act like we don’t.
Now, y’all all go off and have a great Fourth of July weekend, and may the only haints y’all run into be those that you find on your TV screens……
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