Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, I am Sonny the Scoundrel and a certain someone has asked me to tell you something about myself, something to amuse and entertain you, that demonstrates what kind of person I am. It has been suggested that I write up a list of favourite activities, activities that give me pleasure.
I am widely admired for many things, beyond my strikingly handsome face and entertaining wit and presence. People oft ask me how I amuse myself, how I wile away the hours. People want to know what I do to keep my brilliant mind functioning so well. So, without further ado, here is a list of some of my more entertaining and fulfilling activities (in no particular order):
- convince Rutibur the oaf that if he walks around all day with a large bullfrog down the front of his breeches, then girls will take an interest in him,
- lick the toads found in all nearby ponds to see if licking any of them might give one a feeling of euphoria (and not just a sticky, nasty-tasting tongue),
- gather fresh spring tadpoles, with or without legs, and slip them live into the cold, weak tea that Mrs. Ulver serves her boardinghouse guests to save money,
- swap out Grandpap's pipe bark with some stinkleaf of mine, to see if he is more tolerable to live with after he smokes some stinkleaf, and maybe whether he could gain a sense of humour,
- nick some love elixir from Grandpap's secret store of magical supplies and put it in a young maiden's drink so I can get lucky without having to expend much effort,
- wager a drunken man in Cappersham's tavern that he cannot balance an empty stein on his forehead, then cut his purse as he tries,
- dust Grandpap's pipe bark with some of his magical flashing powder, then hide nearby to watch his eyebrows singe off, a fitting punishment for his lack of good humour,
- train a crow or raven to dive on and harass Mrs. Ulver whenever she appears outside her boardinghouse, since I have not been able to train a bird to shat on command,
- go to Roland the midget carpenter's shop and put all his tools up out of his reach,
- leave anonymous notes in Mayor Kraachbein's office hinting that the identity of his secret love child is about to be revealed to the entire village,
- figure out some way to use cats as weapons (and invent some way to do so without getting clawed to tatters),
- find a way to secretly add swelling stone power to Grandpap's drink to see if the powder can truly make one pass a painful stone, (will require exceptional trickiness, as it is hard to trick a wizard with a magical powder),
- stench-bag Grandpap with the hog vapours he forces me to gather for being a troublemaker, the next time he makes me do that particular odious chore, and with any luck Grandpap will be smoking his pipe and the hog vapours will ignite with a bang (problem to be solved in advance – how to run like hell while laughing uncontrollably?),
- build a pit trap outside our door in preparation for the next visit from that annoying door-to-dwarf salesman, fortunately I will not need to dig a pit deeper than three or four feet,
- find large pieces of wet moss to stuff into Big Ulf's forge to smoke him out of his blacksmith's shop
- experiment on Grandpap's friend Abnelius when he is suitably besoto see if he can tell strong drink from green pondwater tted (and have a story ready to blame it on someone else, as Abnelius has a short temper, even for a wizard),
By Sonny Zae
Publisher: Roane Publishing
Release Date: May 19, 2014
Genre: Fantasy Romance (with Erotic Theme)
Sonny is so handsome, he doesn’t need magic to get what he wants, except when he gets into trouble. And, he’ll do anything for love or money, except work. So, the thought of marriage represents the worst of all possible worlds, a danger he avoids at all costs.
His plans for getting rich the easy way—by stealing—go awry when he meets Ariella. She is not only lovely to look at, but just may be as slippery and greedy as he. Better still, she becomes highly stimulated at the prospect of helping him hijack a treasure.
But, in addition to helping him steal “goald”, the cunning Ariella might just steal his scoundrel heart.
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"Tell me where you hid the amulet." Her lips touched my ear lobe and I almost lost control of my spleen. "Confess your theft, and I will reward you, will complete the passionate interlude left unconsummated last night."
"For you, my dear, I would confess anything."
"Go on, do tell."
"I confess my desire for you, my passion is aroused by your touch."
"That is not what I want to hear. Confess you took the amulet, and tell where you hid it."
"I will." My heartbeats pounded in my ears. "But first, caress my trouser weasel, stroke it as you were doing last night."
"Oh, no," she cooed into my ear. "You tell me where the chicken foot is, and then you will be rewarded."
I smiled to myself, despite my predicament. Such moments in life were few and far between, moments when fools thought they had the better of me, then discovered they needed to curry my favour, instead of the other way around. "My dear, I will confess nothing. Abler men than you—well, men, at least—have tried to break my spirit, and all have failed."
"Where is the chicken foot?" she hissed, grasping my ear and twisting it. The pain was sharp and delicious.
"I do not know!" Strangely, it was true.
"Liar! Tell me, or I shall kick you."
"Kick me if you must, but I refuse to tell you." I fervently hoped she would carry through her threat. "What will you do with the wedding gifts? I shall tell the people of your village it was all your idea."
"Oh, my! Dear me!" Ariella responded, mock fear dripping from her lovely lips. "Do you think they will believe you, a stranger, over a beautiful and innocent young girl?" She punctuated the question by kicking me in the gut.
"That did not hurt," I lied. "Throw your whole body into it. Do you have a pair of pointy shoes? Kicking me with pointy shoes might at least discomfit me…while you are kicking, at least. The pain fades almost immediately and you shall never get the truth out of me at this rate."
About the Author:
Sonny Zae lives in a small town on the edge of reality. His only remarkable characteristic is imagination. He ignored his grade school teacher's repeated admonitions to stop daydreaming and get to work.
Sonny's book WIZARD SEEKING TROPHY BRIDE, is also available on Kindle. It is a story about the exceptional difficulties involved in finding love and happiness for an elderly and strange wizard, not to mention the difficulties of dealing with an elderly relative—an elderly relative who is also a wizard.
To celebrate the release, we’re giving away an eCOPY of UNHOLY MATRIMONY, as well as a $10 Amazon Gift Card.
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