A: Whatja doin'?
A: (Peers at his computer screen and sees red, literally. All the current players and coaches for the Philadelphia Eagles or college or NFL players are written in red. She begins to read, laughs out loud then claims a stunned express) You're playing, not writing.
Z: Keys are being pressed, words are appearing, sentences are forming. I am writing!
A: But not on the blog to tell readers about KILLER DOLLS, one of the first books we wrote for Champagne Books.
Z: Done! (He strikes a key with a triumphant flare)
A: The blog?
Z: And this piece.
A: It's sports.
Z: (Brows wiggle) It's naughty.
A: (She giggles) It's funny.
Z: Wanna share?
A: Lets! But let me finishing reading it first.
After clearing her throat, she begins:
Philadelphia Eagles homunculus GM, Howie Roseman, must have felt his team was inadequate and reacted to make them more cocksure. We get it. That was his job. But how? One could easily suspect he considered the essence of being cocksure and reacted appropriately.
Howie's big show-piece came when he drafted a Cox; Fletcher Cox; he was a very powerful Cox who consistently shoved it up the middle. The sports world knew that Howie was proud of his magnanimous Cox, wielding his new Cox in the faces of the other GMs.
But that endowment was just not enough. He resigned a Dixon; Antonio Dixon who was a hurt Dixon. Like many slumped Dixons he recouped, recharged and is now upright and is ready to be a hard driving Dixon.
Knowing that they needed another Dixon, Howie signed Dennis Dixon; who is a very skilled Dixon that can quickly jut right or left before he'd hurl his ball. Because he was a pre-mature ball hurler he has had little play but in college was one of the best ball hurler.
Know that Dixon was just not enough our GM drafted a Johnson; Damaris Johnson who was one of the fastest Johnson's in all the league. Like a pre-mature ball hurler a fast Johnson had some drawbacks and coupled with the fact that he came with some baggage. But every intuitive Johnson knows that a good bag is fine, no, essential.
Now not satisfied with one fast Wide Receiving Johnson, Howie added a second Johnson; Ronald Johnson, who was very similar in size and shape as the other Johnson. Now, they were a belt-and-suspenders Johnson-ed up team. Smart tooling.
His prize was his Peters; Jason Peters was a multiply Pro Bowl Peters. As a Peters, he was long with immense girth, but unlike other Peters he was slow and plodding; as Peters go, very effective.
Without equivocation, Howie needed to cocksure-up his O-line so he knew he had to sign a big Wang; Ed Wang. As far as Wangs go he was a huge Wang, one of the largest Wangs in all of football. And everyone familiar with a good O knew that a massive Wang could get the job done. Howie was proud of his new Wang. The GM released King Dunlap knowing you'd rather a stand-up Wang rather than a Dunlap over the belt member.
Obsessed after creating the right packages for the Birds he was fanatical over what to do with these new members. So, firstly, he drafted a Boykin; Brandon Boykin. An obvious choice which was applauded by the footballing community as being a no-brainer. Howie the big head planned to have a Boykin for the little heads. Everyone knows that when you have health and virile Peters, Johnsons, Dixons and a big Wang, Boykin is and can be very important. Brandon Boykin played the middle and handled the studs members. They liked that. Who wouldn't? This gave Howie the freedom to release their Tapp; D. Tapp. He was becoming ineffective. A futile and fruitless Tapp is a wasted Tapp. It was easy to see that a good Boykin is better than a useless Tapp.
But to be safe, and we know that Howie is a cover-your-bases kind of guy, he drafted a McNutt; Marvin McNutt. Though this was a slow McNutt and he had to remain on the practice squad learning to be a quicker McNutt. No one had to tell Howie that getting a McNutt was satisfying. Speaking a McNutt the team signed a free-agent Chung; Patrick Chung. A package with a good Chung is a mature looking package. So this new Chung provides some stability to an ineffective coverage group.
Planning for the future the GM also signed the free agent Polk, Chris Polk. Big talented members also were open to a Polk or two. Sadly, this Polk was hurt but everyone knew he'd be back and Polk with the best.
Now having a Boykin and Polk, Howie diversified and picked up a young B. J.; B. J. Cunningham. Please, everyone knew that from time-to-time that a good B.J. was a nice thing to have. We now know that Roseman was a big B. J. fan.
To kick this all off well, Howie signed a Jones; Donnie Jones. It was obvious that with so many tools a good Jones is expected, almost required.
Discussing the 2013 offseason it was reported that the GM was taking long and hard looks at Ed Dickson, Jermon Bushrod, Adam 'Pacman' Jones, Derek Cox, Rashad Johnson, and Antonio Johnson. As of now they passed on these new potential members.
Additionally, he hired two perfect coaches. Stoutland understood those big members of his team. Jeff Stoutland had coached some of the biggest Stoutlanders at Alabama; a good Chance, a great Jones, and no Fluker ever as good. The second coach validated it by being a Lovett; John Lovett just smiled.
So if past acts are a predickor of future actions one might suspect that the Scouting Staff is looking at certain players in the upcoming draft. The 2013 College draft is quickly coming. And there will be some studs coming to Philadelphia. Some names that have been intimately connected to the Birds are Georgia's Jarvis Jones, though he has some spine concerns, Tyrann Honey Badger Mathieu, though he smokes which might be how he Badgers Honeys, Robert Woods, one of USC's good Woods, Alex Okafor all the right reasons, Alec Ogletree, he admired rapscallion, Lane Johnson, the OT Johnson that most think underrated, Baccari Rambo, hits it well, Kyle Long, from a legacy of good Longs, Montee Ball, runs the balling game, Nico Johnson, a team can never have enough talented Johnsons, J.J. Wilcox, an eager willing sort, Brandan Bishop, old-school but effective, and Malliciah Goodman, a Joe baga-donuts Clemson member.
So you wonder did Sigmund Freud have a point? What point? Well, does Little Howie Roseman feel penis envy?
A: (Sighs as she sips her tea) The price you pay with someone who is a sports fanatic.
Z: But you have learned well grasshopper.
A: Indeed, I have learned the difference between a tight end, split end, slot receiver and a wide receiver. (Whips one arm aside and does a little bow) Taaa da!
Z: You make those football positions sound naughty.
A: They're not?
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