Monday, December 28, 2009

Ed Williams talks Sucky Songs



“Sucky Songs Are Brain Heroin!”


I’m trying my best to write an article, but my brain is not cooperating one bit, and it’s driving me crazy! Every time I try to put some words together, this horrible song from the seventies goes through my head. I can’t remember who sung it, although I keep thinking of the name Terry Jacks, but it’s about as sucky a song as I can remember. The words just keep routing themselves through my brain,

“We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun....”

I can’t remember anymore of it, thank God. What I can’t figure out is why I would even remember such a dorky song? Frankly, it stinks worse than a pair of unwashed drawers dropped into a pig sty. Maybe it was so bad that my brain stored it away in some untold of place that preserves really horrible memories, stuff like having to kiss an old maid aunt, eat beets, or sitting around in a cramped room with some college buddies after a big dinner at an all-you-can-eat Mexican restaurant. Maybe that’s it. Oh great, here we go again,

“We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun....”

I must not be approaching this correctly. Maybe I should just let my brain relax and discreetly suggest to it that it might want to play a different song, or at least one that I can somewhat tolerate. If it’ll do that, I can relax, kick back, and get this week’s column out. So I’m going to try it - I’m relaxing my arms, legs, and my feet, zoning out all my inner stress, so now let’s see what happens....

“Rocky I’ve never had a baby before - don’t know if I can do it!”

God, this song is even worse than the first one! I don’t even remember the name of this ode to wished deafness, and there’s a good reason for that. It has to be my all-time pick for the worst song ever. I can remember having to play it back in ‘75 when I enjoyed a brief stint as a disc jockey at WFNE in Forsyth, Georgia and I nearly hurled each time I had to put it on. For some reason, girls thought it was a sensitive, touching, love song between two ill fated lovers, and bought thousands of the records. On account of that, I had to play it over and over and over again. I can’t imagine anything worse than this song, unless, of course, Perry Como made a cover version of it.

I still can’t figure out why I keep routing these wretched songs through my brain. Why am I not thinking of some great songs like Let It Ride, by BTO, or Sharp Dressed Man, by ZZ Top, or All My Rowdy Friiends Have Settlled Down, by Hank Jr. Maybe that’s it! Maybe, by thinking of some good songs, I can get my brain back on the right track. Just relax, Ed. Let it happen....

“Disco, disco duck. Disco, disco duck.....”

Geeeeeezzzzzz, this is really getting out of hand. Okay, maybe I should go about it just the opposite, and think of more really bad songs. Maybe doing that will purge them all from my brain, and new ones will settle in their places. Let’s try it and see how it goes....

“Hot diggity, dog diggity, ummm, what you do to me....”

“Muskrat, muskrat, candlelight...”

“It was a one-eyed, one horned, flying purple people eater...”

“Everybody was kung-fu fightttiinnnnngggg....”

“I write the songs that make the young girls cry...”

Oh man, this was a mistake. It’s like every crappy song I’ve ever heard is working its way through my brain. Well, I can’t keep fooling around like this when I’ve got an article to write. Especially fooling around by thinking about all this sucky music. I guess the best thing for me is to get on about my business and come up with another idea for my next article. Ya’ll forgive me while I go off and write it. And while ya’ll are waiting for me to return, let this familiar refrain play inside your heads,

“Here’s a little song I wrote,

You might want to sing it note for note,

Don’t worry,

Be happy....”


"ChristmaSin'", my new Christmas novel, is now available for sale!
Click the Champagne Books link below to order!

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2 comments:

Anne Kane said...

LOL! Great blog, I'd cheerfully forgotten most of those songs.

kissastarling said...

I love the purple people eater and Kung foo fighting! Those songs will make yer foot tap and yer head bob! And thanks, now I'm going to be thinking of the song- we had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun...sounds like a beach boy tune, hmmm. haha

Great post, Ed!

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