WRITERS WRITE... WRITING PARTNERS FEUD ~ Christmas Day A Bit Before
A: (Ang walks into the office wearing elfin influenced attire. A small cap with a bell. Turned up toe slippers with a bell. A half top exposing her midriff and green bra... with two bells. A shorter then it needed to be skirt with bell trim. Her every step tinkles.) Ho-ho-ho!
Z: Yes, I see that!
A: Rude ... dude! (She runs into the bathroom and changes. Anticipating the rude comment she was prepared with a second seasonal outfit. Eventually she returns) Humbug to you!
Z: (Ignores the hurt feelings) Did you know our office Christmas tree is male... see its balls? (Wears Christmas Doggie ears, a long sleeve red and white stripped t-shirt, reindeer boxers over his Jeans and a mistletoe hangs off his belt)
A: Grody to the max.
Z: How 90s of you.
A: (Dressed as Mrs. Clause from the top up, complete with wig and spectacles and as Minnie Mouse from the bottom down, red clog shoes included. She starts adding blown up condoms to the tree that have been half dipped in Plaster of Paris and sparkles) Well, did you like your gift from me?
Z: Thanks for the trash basket you made for me out of used popsicle sticks. (Glances at the lopsided, hand-made, over-sized trash can)
A: Glad you like it. (Follows his stare and smiles with admiration at how she got the tilt just right)
Z: It is a little sticky. (Pulls a string in his pocket and the mistletoe lifts, pointing towards the object in question)
A: Paint it. (She huffs about as if he had insulted her) What's red and white and red, red and white, and red and white? ... Santa Claus rolling down a hill!
Z: (Noting her avoidance reaction... wanting to clarify) I appreciate all the gluing you did. Painting would obscure the orange-sicle look.
A: Ha! (Blinks back the tears... not from emotion but because sparkles haven't stuck to the decorated balls and a few glimmers got in her eyes) What do all the female reindeer do when Santa is busy working with the males on Christmas eve? ... Go into town and blow a couple bucks! Take that! All from the fickle finger of fate. So sayeth the finger, to wit, the finger moves on. (The entire time her finger wags, directed at the mistletoe)
Z: Did you just give me the finger?
A: I did what I had to do. (She states with animation and then like a switch turning off, turns sweet toned) I'll tell you a story:
Three men died on Christmas Eve, drifted up into the stratosphere and beyond, and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said ever so solemnly, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
All three looked puzzled, but this was heaven and all wanted to get in fast. They could all see the fiery flames on the other side of the clouds.
So, the first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "They're Carols."
Z: Cool story but the point?
A: You hurt my feelings.
A: Never mind you're a man and don't get it. You can tell the difference between a man and women by watching them wrap presents.
Z: You are being weirder than usual.
A: Compliments will not take away the insult. (Pouts for a moment... tries to put on the fun face) What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus? ... Crisp Cringle.
Z: What does that have to do with the price of pickles in Wisconsin?
A: If you were sensitive you'd get it.
Z: I need a dictionary of Ang symbolisms.
A: Let us move on... I know you have... I'll relate Christmas goodies: "Hey Babe, when was the last time you had a really good sleigh? ... Care to see my twelve-inch elf?" asked Santa at the All You Can Eat Silly Seasons Buffet.
Z: Really! (He ponders and adds) "I've got something special in the sack just for you! ... Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?" said Bad Santa. (Pretends he is puffing on a cigar, tapping it and blowing out smoke) Wacha Wacha!
A: Hardy-har-har! "I see you when you're sleeping and you don't wear any underwear, do you?" said Santa retching.
Z: Speaking of underwear. I have been thinking after the Carol's panties story. Have you ever given or allowed to be taken, your panties by a date?
A: You know I have. Remember Beau? Our parking in the woods? When he went skinny dipping, his buds came and took all his clothes and his car. I went behind a tree and gave him my panties so we could walk home.
Z: So while you were panty free and he was buck naked did you? (He gave the tell-me-the-dirty-details look)
A: No! He did not have a blanket.
Z: (Sniggers) "I know when you've been bad or good so let's skip the small talk, sister! ... Some of your favorite toys run on batteries," said Santa shaking his head in utter dismay.
A: "Screw the nice list. I've got you on my nice and naughty list!" said me, looking perplexed at you.
Z: (Oblivious of her venom) "Interested in seeing the North Pole? Well, that's what Mrs. Claus calls it," noted Santa.
A: Ho-Ho-How'd you like to shake like a bowl of jelly? Walk... walk for me... come on tubby-wobby. (Sings) Or are you too sexy for Milan, New York and Japan!
Z: I put the 'scroo' in scrooge!
A: I've got something you can hang a wreath on! The handle of the door. The same door handle that does not kick you in the ass when you leave.
Z: Whoa! What's wrong. You are being mean. This is not about me calling your trash can gift sticky. What is it about?
A: You forgot to get me a Christmas gift... didn't you?
Z: Ah-ha! I get it.
Z: I got you this. (He pulls out a huge package [no one go there] and hands it to her)
A: (Her face brightens, her painted red circle cheeks crinkle) You remembered... you are the nicest partner anyone could have.
Z: Hold that thought until you open it.
A: (She does, eyes go wide) Ziiiiiiiii!
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all and to all.... nite-nite!
OUR DEDICATIONS IN CHRISTMAS EVI…VIL
I have been accused of going crazy at Christmas, too many lights,too many decorations, not even the bathroom is safe from tinsel. For me, this is magic-time, when anything and everything is possible.
Yes, Virginia there is a Santa Claus and he visits me every year. Having said that, I dedicate this book to all those who enjoy the season with fervor, enthusiasm, over-the-top fanatical delight even if it means eating great-aunt Ruth's fruit cake, and for every grown-up who still wakes up on Christmas morn with a child's pure joy. ~ Angelica
To the fourteen storage containers in my basement that remind me of the joy of Christmas. I thank all who helped grow that collection. It is the bridge to my past and the hope for my future. Found in duty of
persevering the fortitude of the holidays is love. I believe I've become a better man for that. ~ Zi
***We'd love to hear from anyone interested in what we do. Anyone who writes us at firstname.lastname@example.org (Write - Blog Dawn - in subject line) and leaves an s-mail address, we will send you a gift and add you to any future mailings.
Angelica Hart and Zi ~ Vixen Bright and Zachary Zane
www.champagnebooks.com - www.carnalpassions.com - angelicahartandzi.com