A:
(Ang walks into the office wearing elfin influenced attire. A small cap with a bell. Turned up toe slippers with a bell. A half top exposing her midriff and green
bra... with two bells. A shorter then it
needed to be skirt with bell trim. Her
every step tinkles.) Ho-ho-ho!
Z:
Yes, I see that!
A:
Rude ... dude! (She runs into the
bathroom and changes. Anticipating the
rude comment she was prepared with a second seasonal outfit. Eventually she returns) Humbug to you!
Z:
(Ignores the hurt feelings) Did
you know our office Christmas tree is male... see its balls? (Wears Christmas
Doggie ears, a long sleeve red and white stripped t-shirt, reindeer boxers over
his Jeans and a mistletoe hangs off his belt)
A:
Grody to the max.
Z:
How 90s of you.
A:
(Dressed as Mrs. Clause from the top up, complete with wig and
spectacles and as Minnie Mouse from the bottom down, red clog shoes included. She starts adding blown up condoms to the
tree that have been half dipped in Plaster of Paris and sparkles) Well, did you like your gift from me?
Z:
Thanks for the trash basket you made for me out of used popsicle
sticks. (Glances at the lopsided, hand-made,
over-sized trash can)
A:
Glad you like it. (Follows his
stare and smiles with admiration at how she got the tilt just right)
Z:
It is a little sticky. (Pulls a string in his pocket and the mistletoe
lifts, pointing towards the object in question)
A:
Paint it. (She huffs about as if
he had insulted her) What's red and
white and red, red and white, and red and white? ... Santa Claus rolling down a hill!
Z:
(Noting her avoidance reaction... wanting to clarify) I appreciate all
the gluing you did. Painting would
obscure the orange-sicle look.
A:
Ha! (Blinks back the tears... not
from emotion but because sparkles haven't stuck to the decorated balls and a
few glimmers got in her eyes) What do
all the female reindeer do when Santa is busy working with the males on Christmas
eve? ...
Go into town and blow a couple bucks!
Take that! All from the fickle
finger of fate. So sayeth the finger, to
wit, the finger moves on. (The entire
time her finger wags, directed at the mistletoe)
Z:
Did you just give me the finger?
A:
I did what I had to do. (She states with animation and then like a
switch turning off, turns sweet toned) I'll tell you a story:
Three men died on
Christmas Eve, drifted up into the stratosphere and beyond, and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly
gates.
"In honor of this
holy season," Saint Peter said ever so solemnly, "you must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
All three looked
puzzled, but this was heaven and all wanted to get in fast. They could all see the fiery flames on the
other side of the clouds.
So, the first man
fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It
represents a candle," he said.
"You may pass
through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.
The second man reached
into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said,
"They're bells."
Saint Peter said,
"You may pass through the pearly gates."
The third man started
searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of
women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the
man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those
symbolize?"
The man replied,
"They're Carols."
Z:
Cool story but the point?
A:
You hurt my feelings.
Z:
Huh?
A:
Never mind you're a man and don't get it. You can tell the difference between a man and
women by watching them wrap presents.
Z:
You are being weirder than usual.
A:
Compliments will not take away the insult. (Pouts for a moment... tries to put on the
fun face) What do you get if you deep
fry Santa Claus? ... Crisp Cringle.
Z:
What does that have to do with the price of pickles in Wisconsin?
A:
If you were sensitive you'd get it.
Z:
I need a dictionary of Ang symbolisms.
A:
Let us move on... I know you have... I'll relate Christmas goodies: "Hey Babe, when was the last time you
had a really good sleigh? ... Care to
see my twelve-inch elf?" asked Santa at the All You Can Eat Silly Seasons
Buffet.
Z:
Really! (He ponders and
adds) "I've got something special
in the sack just for you! ... Ever make
it with a fat guy with a whip?" said Bad Santa. (Pretends he is puffing on
a cigar, tapping it and blowing out smoke)
Wacha Wacha!
A:
Hardy-har-har! "I see you
when you're sleeping and you don't wear any underwear, do you?" said Santa
retching.
Z:
Speaking of underwear. I have
been thinking after the Carol's panties story.
Have you ever given or allowed to be taken, your panties by a date?
A:
You know I have. Remember
Beau? Our parking in the woods? When he went skinny dipping, his buds came
and took all his clothes and his car. I
went behind a tree and gave him my panties so we could walk home.
Z:
So while you were panty free and he was buck naked did you? (He gave the tell-me-the-dirty-details look)
A:
No! He did not have a blanket.
Z:
(Sniggers) "I know when
you've been bad or good so let's skip the small talk, sister! ... Some of your favorite toys run on
batteries," said Santa shaking his head in utter dismay.
A:
"Screw the nice list. I've got you on my nice and naughty list!"
said me, looking perplexed at you.
Z:
(Oblivious of her venom) "Interested in seeing the North Pole? Well, that's what Mrs. Claus calls it,"
noted Santa.
A:
Ho-Ho-How'd you like to shake like a bowl of jelly? Walk... walk for me... come on tubby-wobby. (Sings)
Or are you too sexy for Milan, New York and Japan!
Z:
I put the 'scroo' in scrooge!
A:
I've got something you can hang a wreath on! The handle of the door. The same door handle that does not kick you
in the ass when you leave.
Z:
Whoa! What's wrong. You are being mean. This is not about me calling your trash can
gift sticky. What is it about?
A:
You forgot to get me a Christmas gift... didn't you?
Z:
Ah-ha! I get it.
A:
Well?
Z:
I got you this. (He pulls out a
huge package [no one go there] and hands it to her)
A:
(Her face brightens, her painted red circle cheeks crinkle) You remembered... you are the nicest partner
anyone could have.
Z:
Hold that thought until you open it.
A:
(She does, eyes go wide) Ziiiiiiiii!
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to
all and to all.... nite-nite!
OUR
DEDICATIONS IN CHRISTMAS EVI…VIL
I have been accused of going crazy at Christmas, too many lights,too
many decorations, not even the bathroom is safe from tinsel. For me, this is
magic-time, when anything and everything is possible.
Yes, Virginia there is a Santa Claus and he visits me every year. Having said that, I dedicate this book to all
those who enjoy the season with fervor, enthusiasm, over-the-top fanatical
delight even if it means eating great-aunt Ruth's fruit cake, and for every
grown-up who still wakes up on Christmas morn with a child's pure joy. ~ Angelica
To the fourteen storage containers in my basement that remind me of the
joy of Christmas. I thank all who helped grow that collection. It is the bridge
to my past and the hope for my future. Found in duty of
persevering the fortitude of the holidays is love. I believe I've become
a better man for that. ~ Zi
***
We'd love to hear from anyone interested in what we do. Anyone who writes us at writingteamcw@yahoo.com (Write - Blog Dawn - in subject line) and leaves an s-mail address, we will send you a gift and add you to any future mailings.
Angelica Hart and Zi ~ Vixen Bright and Zachary Zane
www.champagnebooks.com - www.carnalpassions.com - angelicahartandzi.com
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