10.
Not wiping your feet
before coming inside when it's snowy out
9.
Not bundling up like
your mother tells you to when it's cold outside
8.
Not sharing your
toys with your brothers and sisters
7.
Knocking down other
people's snowmen
6.
Making a mess and
then blaming it on the dog, cat or your imaginary friend
5.
Telling your
brothers and sisters what they are getting for Christmas from Mom and Dad
4.
Knocking over the
Christmas Tree while wrestling with you brothers or sisters
3.
Forgetting to put
out carrots for the reindeer with Santa's cookies and milk. They need to eat
too!
2.
Being bad all year
and then trying to "nice up" just before Christmas. Remember- Santa
watches you ALL year!
1.
Waking up early on
Christmas morning to remove presents from everyone's stockings and replacing
them with coal
A:
It is December 4th and we have to get out Christmas List out. (She unrolls twenty-seven point three feet of
a toilet paper-like reel, which she had written her gift list on, yes the
entire roll and precedes to type it into her letter to Santa... She believes!)
(Later... much later... even though she
was a sixty-five point three words per minute typist... the list was long.)
Z:
What did you get in your stocking last year? Candy?
(Pulls up an nineteen forties pin-up of a girl named Candy, ogles and
sighs) I got her cane!
A:
Candy? I don't go that way... though there is nothing wrong with
it. I have no idea. Who cares about the stocking? If someone wants to "get in my
stockings", they've just gotta buy me dinner first with dessert.
(Thinks) And a condo in Atlantic City...
ocean view.
Z:
You dog! (He holds up Mitzi the
Yorkie... and whispers to the pooch... she's your Auntie Panty) Have you ever sneaked a peek at your
Christmas presents?
A:
No! That's naughty! And it ruins the surprise. Ok... ok... When I was a kid, but only once. You?
(At the top of her letter she types Happy Santa List Day... figuring to
earn Santa Brownie points for she really, really, really wants a dozen miracle
bras, believing they would help her sagging boobage [note to readers: that would be a miracle that could earn
sainthood]) Did you sneak-a-peek?
Z:
Yup. Every year. Sorta... I shook
them. Now, when I was older... I always
got a peek. (Puts on his Santa Hat with
the bell on the end, getting into the Christmas mood. Every time he moves he dinga-lings, causing
the dogs to yelp like crazed carrot-less reindeer {[note to reader: I have no clue either what she meant])
A:
Why? (Cuts the bell off the hat)
Z:
You had to know the gals I dated and what they gave me for Christmas. (Face brightens with memories... rubs hands
warming them... adjusts pants in anticipation... the old can dream)
A:
You dog. Do you re-gift?
Z:
All the time, if I couldn't return the gift... what kind of boyfriend
was I?
A:
You dog! (She hands him his
flop-eared beagle cap he would wear to soccer games) When the weather outside
is frightful, you like to stay home and cuddle with what? A
teddy bear? A nice book?
A nice drink? (Adds all three to her Christmas list)
Z:
A good-looking hottie? (Bounces
causing the ears to flap like wings)
A:
Woof! If you've been nice and not
naughty, what kind of present should Santa bring you? (Her thoughts wander and she opens a second
word file and types up a naughty list about Zi that she might send to Santa, if
Zi isn't nice to her... ie... bake cookies... [ note to reader from Zi: you can now see who is and who isn't the
dog... 'nuf said] )
Z:
You have to ask? (Tries to peek
at what she is writing but she is using a symbols font to be clandestine
knowing she can convert it later)
A:
Don't go pig on me! Swine is not
fine! Have you ever dressed up as Santa? Fun?
Lame? Spreading cheer? Too much cheer? (Clicks an imaginary glass in the air and
makes a clinking sound)
Z:
(Wonders what she is doing
now) Yes, for that hottie I mentioned
earlier! And I always wear my mistletoe
belt buckle.
A:
Oinkish! If you discovered Santa
Claus trapped in your chimney, what would you do? Help
him out? Hop in the sleigh and take over
to make sure the gifts get to everyone in time?
Hop in the sleigh and help yourself to the gifts? (Saves her files, hangs tiny ornaments on the
tree etched onto her Christmas sweater, including the bell she had taken from
Zi's hat [note to readers: balls hung on
sagging boobs are some droopy balls... bouncing on her belly])
Z:
Ha! Ha! Santa stuck in my
chimney. I'd pull his shoes off and tickle
Santa's feet...I couldn't help myself... and I'd be aware of him peeing
himself... ugh! (Laughs, wiggling his red and green stockings as if someone is
doing the same to him)
A:
What are you giving to your special someone for Christmas this year?
Z:
Ugh...do we have to exchange gifts this year? How about cash? What about me? Me!
A:
Sick! With a capital ICK! (Draws an exclamation point on a piece of
paper in red ink and shows it to him)
Z:
(Ignores her and writes "ME!" on another piece of paper with
green ink)
(The two hand fight like two gay dudes
arguing over a puce ascot ) You find out
your crazy Aunt is knitting you another fugly sweater this year. What do you do?
A: Kindly accept. She works hard on
those. Nod and smile. Just nod and smile. Besides, she makes the best Christmas
cookies.
Z:
I'd conveniently forget to take it home with me. And If I took it home I'd burn it in effigy. In the fireplace while the hottie is giving
me my Christmas gift. And that hottie
will be busty. And me... I'll be singing
Chesty's nuts roasting by an open fire... Auntie's gift my lusty pyre...!
A:
Dog!
Z:
So what treat are you planning on giving Santa this year. Cookies and Milk? A healthy treat for Santa and carrots for the
reindeer!
A:
Me! With a bow on top.
Z:
You dog!
EXCERPT
CHRISTMAS EVE…VIL
Quickening his step, Luke shouted the dog’s name, adding Quickening his
step, Luke shouted the dog’s name, adding bribes, “Cookies.” A word that never
failed to bring him running.
“Come get Fluffy.” His favorite toy. “Let's play.” Romping about they
did nearly every evening. .
A familiar bark pierced the belligerent storm. As Luke severed the
distance between them, he could hear Smokey’s whimpers and experienced a sudden
fear the dog might be hurt. Fear departed as the dog bounced out of the white
wind like ebony smoke.
He jumped on Luke’s legs, scratching and whining, then running afew
feet ahead and coming back to jump up again, adding ferocious barks, demanding
Luke’s absolute attention. Luke sensed this wasn’t just a game, something was
wrong.
“Okay, boy, I understand. I’m coming.”
Another few steps and Luke spotted a figure propped against a tree.
What appeared to be paw prints decorated a feminine light colored parka.
“Oh, buddy, what did you do?” he moaned.
Leaning toward her, worried, he took in her scarf and mittens, thinking
them inappropriate. Insulated gloves would have been better. Also, a hat rather
than just a headband would have kept body heat from escaping. A further concern
manifested believing she wasn’t a local. She probably didn’t know the weather
could change abruptly and drastically this time of year. Where in blazes did
she come from?
***
We'd love to hear from anyone interested in what we do. Anyone who writes us at writingteamcw@yahoo.com (Write - Blog Dawn - in subject line) and leaves an s-mail address, we will send you a gift and add you to any future mailings.
Angelica Hart and Zi ~ Vixen Bright and Zachary Zane
www.champagnebooks.com - www.carnalpassions.com - angelicahartandzi.com
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