Thanksgiving Horror Stories That Will Make You Laugh
By Elizabeth Black
A week from today is Thanksgiving in the
United States. That's a day to give thanks for the good things in your life whilst
surrounded by family members you rarely see so you can gorge on so much food
you'll need a forklift to move you away from the table.
Thanksgiving was always a huge event in my family. We'd head to my aunt's house, and I'd play with my favorite cousin. Every year, "The Wizard Of Oz" played on TV and Johnny and I would reenact each scene during commercials. We always fought over who got to play the Wicked Witch Of The West. He usually won.
Did you know that Thanksgiving is traditionally also the busiest time of year for plumbers? Imagine the huge clog that results from shoving 20 people's leftovers into the sink disposal. Plumbers will be busy on Thanksgiving, removing banana peels, leftover potatoes, orange rinds, turkey bones, coffee grounds (they plump when you insinkerate 'em), and all sorts of disgusting sludge from people's sinks.
What doesn't make it to the sink ends up clogging the toilet. One plumber interviewed for an article I read years ago remembered when a kid flushed his dad's Tommy Hilfiger briefs down the toilet. I bet if the family owned a toilet comedy writer Dave Barry likes (one that can flush a sheep), it would not have clogged. I recall one story where a plumber arrived at a home and the husband bet his wife one hundred bucks that the culprit of their clogged sink was not potato peels. When the plumber discovered that it was potato peels, the guy paid the man the hundred bucks to not tell his wife.
Then there are the cooking disasters, including fools who insist upon cooking their turkeys in huge vats of oil. Although I hear turkeys cooked in such a fashion are delicious, they are also a fire hazard.
Here are a few examples:
Patrick Tibets, a Boston-area plumber in the business for 18 years, says one disaster is seared on his mind. "A turkey caught fire," he recalls. "The flames came up over the stove. When I came in the kitchen the turkey was sitting in the sink, black and smoking. I had to turn the gas off."
"The flames were small ... until I blew on them. My college roommate, Kathy, and I were cooking our first turkey. It wasn't going well. Somehow, a chunk of the turkey had broken free and fallen off the pan, through the rack, landed on the electrical element and burst into flames."
"The flames shot 10 feet into the air out of the old, rusty barrel smoker in the backyard as we stood dumbfounded. What I'd expected was a nice, quiet first Thanksgiving. Now where was the turkey? I began to have doubts about my husband's cooking ability."
On cooking a turkey in a vat of oil: "The oil boiled over, and it sounded like a cannon," said Tena Hart, 47, who lives next door from the house with the fire on Sharlane. "By the time I looked out my front door, the flames were 15 feet over the roof of his garage. Then everything caught fire and exploded. His lawn mower. Then his car. Gas cans. It was sort of surreal."
Are you going to play it safe and bring a book with you to read whilst you stay out of the kitchen? How about choosing something sexy, like an erotic retelling of the fairy tale Puss In Boots? Buy my book "Trouble In Thigh High Boots". Buy links and blurb are below.
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! And don't let the turkeys get you down.
TROUBLE IN THIGH HIGH BOOTS
Erotic Puss In Boots
Naughty Fairy Tales
Amazon US: http://tinyurl.com/trouble-amazon-us
Amazon UK: http://tinyurl.com/trouble-amazon-uk
Coming soon: Barnes and Noble, Kobo, Apple, and AllRomanceEbooks
Tita is a Puss In Boots with a little something extra. Being a magical creature, she shifts from a kitty into the form of an alluring, ginger-haired woman when the situation demands it. And what a situation she finds herself in! Her new master Dylan is a poor man who needs a boost in the world. Sly Tita uses her seductive wiles to pass him off to the villagers and the king as the Marquis of Carabas in order to help both of them gain their fortunes. Her plan is not without its problems. Dylan's malicious brother, Zane, lusts after Tita, and he wants her all to himself, but she refuses to succumb to his treachery. Being a cat first and foremost, she purrs in the arms of her many lovers but her heart belongs to only one man - the king. She hopes that in ensuring Dylan his lofty place in the world the king finds a place in his heart for her. Her life becomes an erotic adventure in reaching her goals.
Elizabeth Black's Bio:
Elizabeth Black writes erotica, erotic romance, speculative fiction, fantasy, and horror. She also enjoys writing retellings of classic fairy tales. Born and bred in
Baltimore, she grew up under the influence of Edgar
Allan Poe. Her erotic fiction has been published by Xcite Books (U. K.),
Circlet Press, Ravenous Romance, Scarlet Magazine (U. K.), and other
publishers. Her horror fiction has appeared in "Kizuna: Fiction For
Japan", "Stupefying Stories", and "Mirages: Tales From
Authors Of The Macabre". An accomplished essayist, she was the sex
columnist for the pop culture e-zine nuts4chic (also U. K.) until it folded in
2008. Her articles about sex, erotica, and relationships have appeared in Good
Vibrations Magazine, Alternet, CarnalNation, the Ms. Magazine Blog, Sexis
Magazine, On The Issues, Sexy Mama Magazine, and Circlet blog. She also writes
sex toys reviews for several sex toys companies.
In addition to writing, she has also worked as a gaffer (lighting), scenic artist, and make-up artist (including prosthetics) for movies, television, stage, and concerts. She worked as a gaffer for "Die Hard With A Vengeance" and "12 Monkeys". She did make-up, including prosthetics, for "Homicide: Life On The Street". She is especially proud of the gunshot wound to the head she had created with makeup for that particular episode. She also worked as a prosthetic makeup artist specializing in cyanotic blue, bruises, and buckets of blood for a test of
Maryland's fire departments at the Baltimore/Washington International Airport
plane crash simulation test. Yes, her jobs are fun. ;)
She lives in Lovecraft country on the
Massachusetts coast with her husband, son, and four cats. The ocean calls her every
day, and she always listens. She has yet to run into Cthulhu.
Visit her web site at http://elizabethablack.blogspot.com/
Her Facebook page is https://www.facebook.com/elizabethablack
Follow her at Twitter: http://twitter.com/ElizabethABlack