Goddess Fish VBT with Lila Munro/Contest

BLOG TOUR CONTEST: Lila will be giving away a $25 Amazon GC to one randomly drawn commenter during the tour as well as to the host with the most comments. The more you comment, the better your chances of winning. The tour dates can be found here:  http://goddessfishpromotions.blogspot.com/2012/03/virtual-book-tour-assumed-master-by.html

It’s All in Your Mind…

One of the questions I get asked a lot when I’m out on tour is how I do my research for my books that contain BDSM and am asked about certain aspects of the lifestyle. Recently I was asked to give a general overview, if you will, which was difficult because no two relationships are alike, no two people want or desire the same things, and everyone draws the line in the sand at different intervals. One man’s kink is another man’s pleasure, as they say. Some people are in service only relationships, some in committed marriages, some want to play out their deepest, darkest fantasy in a controlled and safe environment with someone they trust, and some go all the way, delving into the world of edge play. It’s like a naughty person’s candy store when it comes to research. So much to choose from, and no idea where to start…

Sub-cultures of all sorts have fascinated me for the last twenty-five years and with a degree in sociology, you can see how I would need a mighty big playground to research in. For years, I’ve observed, filed things away that caught my eye, talked to people and the like. The first Identity book was supposed to squash the yearning to write BDSM full-time, but my own psychology wouldn’t accept just one—kind of like potato chips—and I instead found myself wanting more. The misconception part that was the moment I started exploring. Not true. The reason folks don’t know this is because most in the lifestyle are very private about it, they don’t want their neighbors knowing what’s going on, they tend to shy away from spreading their business about their places of work, and nine times out of ten they ask anyone asking questions not to use their name. In other words, I keep my sources close and will not betray the trust I have built with them over the years.

With all that being said, it was with a steely resolve I thought it was about time I did my friends that actually do practice this lifestyle the service of getting it right. Yes, the test subjects I’ve been questioning for years are my friends that practice. Real people, with real homes and jobs and kids and lives. REAL. That I can turn to and ask questions of. Watch certain practices so I get a feel for it. I’ve even held the tools of the trade so I can accurately describe them. This is something you can’t get from a phone conversation, or online message board, or from Google. The difference between online research and actual human contact is apples and oranges.

For a long time, I accepted my friends with their everything, but didn’t quite grasp the why part. Of course, that being said, I didn’t understand why vanilla folks thought these folks weird or thought the dominants running around were just brute abusers either. Yeah…not! It’s all in your mind…

You see, the psychology of a Dom/sub relationship actually wields as much, if not more pull, than the physicality of it. I’ve been criticized a couple of times for my books not being hot enough…well, that’s all in the perception of what’s hot. To me, when one of my Masters can figure out my subs desires and the power exchange happens in just her yielding and her mind coming to rest, that’s sexy. It’s the comfortable kind of sexy. Just because my guys don’t always tie down my gals and whip them until they bleed, doesn’t mean they aren’t sexy. Sexy takes on lots of forms and if a man can cater to a woman emotionally, that’s far sexier than him dominating her for no good reason without the psychological connection needed to dance this dance.

If you ask a real live player what the ratio is between psychological and physical aspects of these types of relationships, it’s been my experience that most will say at least 80% psychological. It’s the mental and conscious effort to either exert the power in a loving way, or surrender the power in a graceful way. In fact, plenty of relationships are based on the psychological surrender period and no physical contact ever occurs either through a form of pain play or sex. Some go a step farther and involve the mind and do embrace some type of physical play, but still no sex is involved. In fact, you’d be surprised how many relationships aren’t about the orgasms at all and never cross that line. The goal is to ease the subs emotional burdens by sending them to a place I hear-tell is akin to floating in the wind, subspace. As far as pain play goes, no, the women in these relationships involving physical play aren’t asking to be abused. They are asking to be intimately cared for, to let go of the stress of having to control so much in their everyday lives and surrender that need for control to another. Often times their minds are so cluttered from careers, kids, PTO, neighbors, family, paying the bills, cleaning the house, and the list goes on they can’t think. When they can trust someone far enough to give it all up, surrender if you will, and let someone else carry those burdens, their mind becomes as clear as a summer sky. The Dom tasked with taking her there, at least in my humble experience, is responsible enough to know where the abuse line lies and never cross it, only giving what he knows the sub seeks. The psychological rush for him is the knowledge that’s he’s giving his sub something only he can give and in the process he gains access to that mystical place known as topspace. Another pleasurable place to be. That’s where the high of it starts. That feel good rush…Once one can wrap their mind around the idea of giving in and stopping the madness, the physical can take place, which is a discussion for another day…

Thanks Dawn for hosting me today!

~~Lila Munro