I AM NOT A “sexy porn gerl” and other Twitter Mishaps.
It started with the Berlin Brothel. Lord knows why a brothel in
decided to follow me on Twitter. I don’t
live in Berlin. I’ve never worked in a brothel. Don’t think I’ve even typed the word
‘brothel’ before now. I certainly
haven’t said it out loud.
Then some wag from Crime Writers of Canada said: “Maybe they’ve read Your book Rowena Through the Wall. That’s it! The girls who work there have to do something in their downtime.”
Let me do a cyberspace blush here. Okay, my book is a little hot. “Hot and hilarious” as one reviewer put it. But it’s not x-rated. It’s not even R, according to my daughter. (Husband has yet to read it. We’ve hid it well.)
But back to
Berlin. I didn’t follow them back.
Somehow, that didn’t matter. The word was out.
‘Amateurvids’ announced they were following me. Good, I thought. I like nature films. Take it from me, this outfit doesn’t film bunnies in the wild. Well, maybe a certain type of wild bunny.
I didn’t follow them back.
Next, I got “Swingersconnect” following me. Swingers? I get sick on a tire hanging from a tree!
I didn’t follow them back.
Then two days ago, an outfit specializing in ‘male penis enhancement’ turned up. Now, I ask you. Do I look like a male in my profile photo? Is Melodie a male name? And not to be pedantic, but isn’t ‘male’ in front of the p-word a bit redundant? Is there any other kind?
Which brings me to the tweet in my twitter-box today: “Hey sexy porn gerl!” (yes, that’s girl with an e). Let me state categorically that I am not now and have never been a “sexy porn gerl” (with an ‘e’ or any other vowel).
You wouldn’t want me to be. No one would. For one thing, I can’t see two feet in front of me without glasses. Things that used to be perky now swing south. And my back hurts if I bend over to pick up a grape.
So I’m not following them back.
Melodie Campbell is the author of 40 short stories and three novels, including the classic Agatha Christie style mystery A Purse to Die For, co-authored with Cynthia St-Pierre. She has won 6 awards for short fiction, and was a finalist for both the 2012 Derringer Awards and the Arthur Ellis Awards.
A PURSE TO DIE FOR
The victim wore haute couture…
When fashionista and television celeb Gina Monroe goes home to attend the funeral of her late grandmother, the last thing she expects to encounter is murder. Who is the dead woman in the woods behind the family home? And why is she dressed in Milano designer clothes?
“Fast, funny, furious. A great read and proof once again that Canadian crimewriters are among the best in the world.” Janet Kellough, author of Sowing Poison
Ebook and paperback available on Amazon.com, Amazon.ca, Amazon.uk and European Amazon sites.
Melodie Campbell’s comic time travel novel Rowena Through the Wall (Imajin Books) is available at Amazon.com.