WRITERS WRITE... WRITING PARTNERS FEUD ~ FEGHOOTS OUT AND ABOUT HAMLET 3


Sharing from the Sin-Sin in Cinderella Series.
FEGHOOTS OUT AND ABOUT HAMLET 3

The people of Hamlet were adaptable and resilient.  Times for some were difficult.  They did what they must.  The church and charity services were hit the hardest.  The food pantry was down to nuts and berries for the critters, which only the females truly enjoyed except for the occasional happy sort.  Most male creatures preferred anything that had a fishy scent.  Humans had to content themselves with partridge. (For those of you who read anything salacious in the fourth and fifth sentence, shame on you!) 

Some Friars wanted to do more for their flock, their sheepeople, but the collection plates were sparsely filled.  Aye, along with their vows of poverty, simple lifestyle and lack of gainful employment meant that their supply of available funds was, to say the least, meager.  They sold the occasional nut bread or extra tomato, but that was pittance.

Nevertheless, they put their weirdly shaved heads together, nay, not to slow dance but to dibble ideas off the other's backboard.  One suggested a cookbook, How to Stew, Fry, Roast, Bake, Stuff and Dress a Rabbit, but the Association of Bugs Bunny Enthusiast and Ear Wax Collectors protested. Another idea was a fashion show, believing the lasses from the nunnery would participate.  They refused on grounds that their habits would not be suitable. The monks didn’t quite get it, for they thought the gals were talking about their habit of nail biting.  Woe-be-gone, they left the nunnery after giving them a scroll with the name of the nearest Nail Biters Anonymous Meeting Palace and Hand, Foot, and Other Parts Massage Pallor.  Then they consider a calendar.  That was poo-poo-ed for the obvious reasons, All the King's horses and All the King's men Fire Department and Those Who Swing Heavy Hose already did one.  Another suggested a babysitting service, but some locals were reticent letting their young boys around religious dudes.  Right or wrong they understood the fear.  One came up with the idea of opening a small florist shoppe. They reasoned that they could grow most of the flowers on the church grounds, steal some in the name of the Lord, and what they couldn't grow or coerce, they could likely pick from the surrounding countryside.  Cheers arose.  They danced.  The piper piped.  The painter painted.  The window washer washed.  The scrubbers scrubbed.  The prayers prayed.  The chamber pot keepers shat.  The outhouse diggers dug.  The fishers fished.  The boot shiners shined.  The Monks visited the nunnery to share their grand idea, hoping to party like it was Balling time.  The gals were all off getting cured of their nail biting and having their ears cleaned.

Since they had little to eat for a gala, all celebrated this grand idea with the vim and vibe of their calling, or the calling that the head monk decided they should have.  Considering this monk was second cousin fifth removed from the famous detective TV land, (just follow the commercial road down yonder, just right of Foot Rubbers, Hand Massagers, and Tasty Treats CafĂ©) he ran a neat and tidy ship.  Aye, the monastery looked like a ship, beached just outside Rub-a-Dub-Dub Hamlet.  You see the wives of Three Men in a Tub were fed up with their mates hanging out in the tub on the river all day and pulled the river’s plug, which drained away to Water World, the newest Amusement Park addition.  But we digress.

They had a plan.

One day a week Cinderella helped as a substitute ho-er.  Hos and ho-ing were needed.  Only problem with Cindi being there was that the lads, guys and knights who were volunteering their time got little done.  Cindi adored the attention and would at times take pity on them and give them her full attention centered around that one organ the male population most wanted attended to, nay, not that organ but their stomach.  She made them all heart and liver stew for lunch.

As you can probably guess, everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God and their little business flourished.  Dinner tables were more attractive, homes smelled more wonderful, dates were made a bit more woo-ey, and crown bags filled.  The monks began to make monastery repairs, fill their pantry with food, buy cows to milk, turkeys for gobbling, seeds to plant, and chickens to lay.  For those of you with muddy minds, we meant laying eggs.

Anticipating Lancelittle's upcoming Ball greed bit.  So much so that the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.  Publically complained.  None listened.  Ran advertisements in the Hamlet Readery and Backup Tablecloth.  None acted as if they cared.  The owner, O'ver deTopp, asked the good fathers to close their little shoppe of horticulture, but their flower business was filling the purses, providing them with much-needed crown for their good works.  The Friars refused.   Friar Tuck Disdare hand gestured, "Nay!"  Their vow of silence forced the use of sign language and Disdare was from the street, so we know what gesture he shared.

deTopp returned again, re-begging the Friars to close.  By this time, they had tired of the competing florist's constant whining and they ignored him.  Showing him the talk to the hand sign.

The disgruntled florist asked his mother to go and ask the Friars, she an avid candle lighter, hoping she could persuade the Friars.  They ignored her, too.

By this time, the florist was nearly bankrupt, claimed so but he had been hiding money since he opened so not be taxed, and in desperation hired Hugh E. Deweynlouie, the roughest and most vile and vicious thug in Hamlet, to convince the good clerics to close. 

Hugh E. being a man of few morals, questionable ethics, and even fewer religious convictions, had not the ethical problem with his assigned task.  He relished it as he might a devil dog from Jed's House of Weiner Dogs and Leashes.  The Friars were thoroughly beaten.  Bastard!  The flowers stomped.  Cold arse hole!  And he trashed their store.  Prick!  (He was a known thorny sort, infamous for his bristled personality)  

He departed with a stern warning wagging his finger, (Some say it wasn’t a real finger, but a rubber one with a tiny inserted vibrator that was used for polishing his cart, boots, and other manly things.  The dames and damsels just adored that finger as well, for shinning their mirrors, of course.  What did you think?) that he’d be back if they didn’t permanently close the shoppe.

Terrified, the Friars did so immediately, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist Friars.

As a footnote:  deTopp was caught for tax evasion, he turned state's evidence and rolled over on Hugh E. to reduce his sentence.  The friars re-opened and Cinderella goes there once a week to ho.
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Angelica Hart and Zi ~ Vixen Bright and Zachary Zane
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