WRITERS WRITE... WRITING PARTNERS FEUD ~ Santas' List Day - we hope you are on the "Nice" list


Naughty List

10.              Not wiping your feet before coming inside when it's snowy out

9.                 Not bundling up like your mother tells you to when it's cold outside

8.                 Not sharing your toys with your brothers and sisters

7.                 Knocking down other people's snowmen

6.                 Making a mess and then blaming it on the dog, cat or your imaginary friend

5.                 Telling your brothers and sisters what they are getting for Christmas from Mom and Dad

4.                 Knocking over the Christmas Tree while wrestling with you brothers or sisters

3.                 Forgetting to put out carrots for the reindeer with Santa's cookies and milk. They need to eat too!

2.                 Being bad all year and then trying to "nice up" just before Christmas. Remember- Santa watches you ALL year!

1.                 Waking up early on Christmas morning to remove presents from everyone's stockings and replacing them with coal

 
A:  It is December 4th and we have to get out Christmas List out.  (She unrolls twenty-seven point three feet of a toilet paper-like reel, which she had written her gift list on, yes the entire roll and precedes to type it into her letter to Santa... She believes!)

(Later... much later... even though she was a sixty-five point three words per minute typist... the list was long.)

Z:  What did you get in your stocking last year?  Candy?  (Pulls up an nineteen forties pin-up of a girl named Candy, ogles and sighs)  I got her cane!

A:  Candy? I don't go that way... though there is nothing wrong with it.   I have no idea. Who cares about the stocking?  If someone wants to "get in my stockings", they've just gotta buy me dinner first with dessert. (Thinks)  And a condo in Atlantic City... ocean view.

Z:  You dog!  (He holds up Mitzi the Yorkie... and whispers to the pooch... she's your Auntie Panty)  Have you ever sneaked a peek at your Christmas presents?

A:  No! That's naughty! And it ruins the surprise.  Ok... ok...  When I was a kid, but only once.  You?  (At the top of her letter she types Happy Santa List Day... figuring to earn Santa Brownie points for she really, really, really wants a dozen miracle bras, believing they would help her sagging boobage [note to readers:  that would be a miracle that could earn sainthood])  Did you sneak-a-peek?

Z:  Yup. Every year.  Sorta... I shook them.  Now, when I was older... I always got a peek.  (Puts on his Santa Hat with the bell on the end, getting into the Christmas mood.  Every time he moves he dinga-lings, causing the dogs to yelp like crazed carrot-less reindeer {[note to reader:  I have no clue either what she meant])

A:  Why?  (Cuts the bell off the hat)

Z:  You had to know the gals I dated and what they gave me for Christmas.  (Face brightens with memories... rubs hands warming them... adjusts pants in anticipation... the old can dream)

A:  You dog.    Do you re-gift?

Z:  All the time, if I couldn't return the gift... what kind of boyfriend was I? 

A:  You dog!  (She hands him his flop-eared beagle cap he would wear to soccer games) When the weather outside is frightful, you like to stay home and cuddle with what?   A teddy bear?   A nice book?   A nice drink?  (Adds all three to her Christmas list)

Z:  A good-looking hottie?  (Bounces causing the ears to flap like wings)

A:  Woof!  If you've been nice and not naughty, what kind of present should Santa bring you?  (Her thoughts wander and she opens a second word file and types up a naughty list about Zi that she might send to Santa, if Zi isn't nice to her... ie... bake cookies... [ note to reader from Zi:  you can now see who is and who isn't the dog... 'nuf said] )  

Z:  You have to ask?  (Tries to peek at what she is writing but she is using a symbols font to be clandestine knowing she can convert it later)

A:  Don't go pig on me!  Swine is not fine!  Have you ever dressed up as Santa?  Fun?  Lame?  Spreading cheer?  Too much cheer?  (Clicks an imaginary glass in the air and makes a clinking sound)

Z:   (Wonders what she is doing now)  Yes, for that hottie I mentioned earlier!  And I always wear my mistletoe belt buckle.

A:  Oinkish!  If you discovered Santa Claus trapped in your chimney, what would you do?   Help him out?  Hop in the sleigh and take over to make sure the gifts get to everyone in time?  Hop in the sleigh and help yourself to the gifts?  (Saves her files, hangs tiny ornaments on the tree etched onto her Christmas sweater, including the bell she had taken from Zi's hat [note to readers:  balls hung on sagging boobs are some droopy balls... bouncing on her belly])

Z:  Ha! Ha!  Santa stuck in my chimney.  I'd pull his shoes off and tickle Santa's feet...I couldn't help myself... and I'd be aware of him peeing himself... ugh!  (Laughs, wiggling  his red and green stockings as if someone is doing the same to him)

A:  What are you giving to your special someone for Christmas this year? 

Z:  Ugh...do we have to exchange gifts this year? How about cash?  What about me?  Me!

A:  Sick!  With a capital ICK!  (Draws an exclamation point on a piece of paper in red ink and shows it to him)

Z:  (Ignores her and writes "ME!" on another piece of paper with green ink) 

(The two hand fight like two gay dudes arguing over a puce ascot )  You find out your crazy Aunt is knitting you another fugly sweater this year. What do you do?

A: Kindly accept. She works hard on those.  Nod and smile.  Just nod and smile.  Besides, she makes the best Christmas cookies.

Z:  I'd conveniently forget to take it home with me.  And If I took it home I'd burn it in effigy.  In the fireplace while the hottie is giving me my Christmas gift.  And that hottie will be busty.  And me... I'll be singing Chesty's nuts roasting by an open fire... Auntie's gift my lusty pyre...!

A:  Dog! 

Z:  So what treat are you planning on giving Santa this year.  Cookies and Milk?  A healthy treat for Santa and carrots for the reindeer!

A:  Me!  With a bow on top.

Z:  You dog!

EXCERPT CHRISTMAS EVE…VIL

 

Quickening his step, Luke shouted the dog’s name, adding Quickening his step, Luke shouted the dog’s name, adding bribes, “Cookies.” A word that never failed to bring him running.

 

“Come get Fluffy.” His favorite toy. “Let's play.” Romping about they did nearly every evening. .

A familiar bark pierced the belligerent storm. As Luke severed the distance between them, he could hear Smokey’s whimpers and experienced a sudden fear the dog might be hurt. Fear departed as the dog bounced out of the white wind like ebony smoke.

 

He jumped on Luke’s legs, scratching and whining, then running afew feet ahead and coming back to jump up again, adding ferocious barks, demanding Luke’s absolute attention. Luke sensed this wasn’t just a game, something was wrong.

 

“Okay, boy, I understand. I’m coming.”

 

Another few steps and Luke spotted a figure propped against a tree. What appeared to be paw prints decorated a feminine light colored parka.

 

“Oh, buddy, what did you do?” he moaned.

 

Leaning toward her, worried, he took in her scarf and mittens, thinking them inappropriate. Insulated gloves would have been better. Also, a hat rather than just a headband would have kept body heat from escaping. A further concern manifested believing she wasn’t a local. She probably didn’t know the weather could change abruptly and drastically this time of year. Where in blazes did she come from?

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Angelica Hart and Zi ~ Vixen Bright and Zachary Zane
www.champagnebooks.com - www.carnalpassions.com - angelicahartandzi.com








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